Ever since I was little I lived in war. I don’t know what it means to live in peace. When I was 11 years old, I was raped by a member of an armed group. I was on my way to school when I found the school was closed for the day. So I had to walk back to my house alone. When I was almost home a few men came to me. They started harassing me, until finally, one of them rapes me. That was the day that everything changed. I will never forget any smell, sound and feeling of that moment. Everything replays in my brain every time I close my eyes. I spend days with out sleeping.
Then, when I was 13, like life was not hard enough by now, I got raped but multiple man. This time I end up pregnant. My body and soul are full of prints and scars that remind me every day what I had to live through during the conflict. These are some of my scars.
Photos by Casper te Riele
The scar in my face was caused by a machete. After I was sexually abused, I was send to live with my aunt. She loved and cared for me. But, one day, when I came back to the house, I saw that it was on fire. I could hear my aunt yelling as she was trapped inside the burning house. My brain generated an immediate response to escape. I started running and yelling. I couldn’t deal with another form of abuse or violence. When the armed group saw me run they thought I was going to call the police. So they came after me. They tried to cut my head with the machete but they failed and cut my nose
With my face bleeding I continued running. I decided that I only had two options: I will either escape or be killed. I was not gonna let them abuse me again. They cut my arm trying to stab me.
I was running so fast that they couldn’t get me with the machete so they decided to shoot me. They hit me in my arm and leg. Even in that moment I didn’t stop running. Physically, I escaped death, but the trauma and pain continue to hunt me forever.
The bullet that was meant to kill me is still inside my leg. It’s a constant reminder that I am not supposed to be here.
The years of trauma and the multiple abuses, gave me multiple psychological problems. As a result of the abuse and the wounds of conflict, I was left with a post-traumatic stress disorder that led to schizophrenia, anxiety and depression. I take various medications to live with my disorders. However, even with the medications there are days I don’t want to live. My body is now covered with scars that I made myself trying to escape my body that sometimes is impossible to inhabit.
Amsterdam,
the Netherlands
Whatsapp: +573202085817
Email: info@upeksha-vor.org
IBAN: NL36 INGB 0007930674
ATTN: Stichting Upeksha - Voices of Resilience
BIC: INGBNL2A
CCI: 80727247
RSIN: 861776458